I dont want to pay for it today

Customer: I received your notice about my free email service expiring soon and it becoming paid
Me: Alright....
Customer: I want to go ahead and keep it and the email said I should call you about payment. I already emailed back asking to keep the address.
Me: sure. So you are wanting to go ahead and pay today?
Customer: No, i want to be billed for it. But your email said "thank you for emailing...blah blah blah.....contact us at any time" so I am contacting you.
Me: So you want to pay for it by mailing in a payment when it expires next month?
Customer: no, I want to pay for it by credit card
Me: Alright, so you do want to pay for it today?
Customer: NO. Again, I'm not sure you are hearing me. Your email said to call you at any time so I am calling you.
Me: Well if you already emailed us telling us you want to continue service, it will bill you when it expires.You do not have to do anything else right now.
Customer: But I want to pay with a credit card and your email said to call any time.
Me: You of course can call any time. If you are calling today to pay by credit card we would be happy to charge it today so you have a credit on your account.
Customer: No I don't want it charged today.
Me: well what would you like me to do for you today?
Customer: Your email said to call any time....
Me: YES, it did say that. See, when you want to pay for service.... if NOT today...... then you call us on THAT day that you DO want to pay and give us a credit card. Then on whatever day you call, we will charge it.
Customer: OHHHHHHH, I get it now. Nevermind. I will call you when I want to pay for it. Thanks.

Faster Internet Please

Customer: I saw your ad for the special and I want to know what speed your internet is?
Me: Well we don't have high speed, only dial up
Customer: so what speed will I get?
Me: well it isn't high speed, so whatever your dial up modem and phone line are capable of connecting at.
Customer: So what speed will I get?
Me: anywhere between 20k and 50k. We don't have high speed, only dial up.
Customer: well I get 45k with my current ISP, so what do you have that is faster?
Me: We don't have high speed, we only have dial up
Customer: But I need something faster, what else do you offer?
Me: This is all we have, you can't get anything faster with us
Customer: fine (hangs up)

What's my email address again?

Customer: I can't remember my email address.
Me: its (insert email address here)
Customer: well it doesn't work, can you send me emails to make sure?
Me: You know you can compose a message and send it to yourself at any time to test your settings.
Customer: ok thanks

--hang up--

Logged in to customers email and sent a test message from his account back to it to verify it does in fact work for both sending and receiving.

....5 minutes later

Customer: I called earlier and I cant get my email. You said I could add myself to my contact list but I'm having problems
Me: You do not have to add yourself to your address book, simply open a new message and type in your address
Customer: I don't know how to so that, can't you? This isn't working and I can't get email.
Me: I already sent you a test email and you even had other emails on the system so your account is fine
Customer/Angry: Well it does NOT work for me
Me: What error do you get when you hit the Send and Receive button at the top?
Customer (clicking button): Oh never-mind, it works, thanks.

I've been waiting 4 hours!

Helpdesk: Tech Support, may I help
you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4
hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it
will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your
problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the
help button more than 4 hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be
helping me ?

Pick up my leaves!

Customer: I have 14 bags of leaves in my garage
Me: pardon me?
Customer: I have 14 bags of leaves in my garage and i need someone to get them
Me: Ma'am you called technical support for internet access
Customer: yes, I need someone to pick them up
Me: I'm sorry but this is a help desk line for internet access
Customer: So can you send someone to get them, I have 14 bags?
Me: This is a help desk for internet access, I think you have the wrong number.
Customer: You did what?
Me: Who are you trying to call?
Customer: Listen, I need these bags out of my garage. just send someone
Me: Who are you trying to call?
Customer: Can you just transfer me to the mayor?
Me: I cant cuz this is a help desk for dial up internet, maybe you should call information
Customer: oh like 411? Oh I will try that

Your email wont work with my new ISP

Customer: I canceled your service and went with high speed a few weeks go. but I went to do my email and it wont work.
Me: have you already set up an email address with her new provider?
Customer: no. but i did try typing in hotmail and yahoo stuff to see if that made a difference but it just kept telling me it won't work.
Me: well you need to call your new internet service and set up an email account in order to use it. if you canceled then your old address wont work anymore.
Customer: oh, i didn't know they had to do anything, i thought it just would work once i signed up with them.